the garden of my thoughts

I was cleaning out the flowerbed in front of my house today and it got me thinking... (it seems to happen more and more often lately... hmm... alarming concept, me thinking more... oh, well) I had a long time to think because the mentioned flower bed has not been attended to in quite a while.

So there I was trying to degrass (look, I just made up a word:) the area that is supposed to be grass free, to free the new little gentle sprouts of flowers of the weeds that were threatening to destroy them and to plant some new bulbs. It reminded me of someone's comparison of gardening to our thoughts, where the plants we are cultivating are the thoughts we want to take root in our mind and the weeds are the thoughts that appear and go wild without our particular attention. Most of the latter ones are not desirable. In this journey to better myself I have started to pay particular attention to my thoughts. I think my mind like my little flower bed was a little over due for some cleaning. It has alarmed me how many negative thoughts were flowing unencumbered through my head every single day.They ranged from seemingly harmless "my hair looks messy" to thoughts that were actually threatening my existence, denounced me as a person of any use to anyone and just made me wish to disappear. I have become aware of that fact when I took an advise of a trainer at the class I attended and wrote a letter to myself, apologizing for everything I was thinking about myself. I started to apologize and what came out that I needed to apologize for shocked me. The words were so brutal! the offense so  little... It impressed me that if ANYONE...  EVER...  talked to me like that, that person would be out of my life, I would never speak to them again. And here I was... my own worst enemy. It is a good thing that I am also very forgiving, because there is not much chance that I can get me out of my life. I became more aware, and started weeding :) and then I noticed something else. The thoughts that I thought I have successfully plucked out of the soil of my mind kept shamelessly and determinedly coming back!!! I would find myself thinking something mean about myself and then go "wait a second!!! haven't I already disposed of you just a couple days earlier?" sigh... not an easy battle to win... that's why the flowerbed made me think.

Why do the weeds come back after you pull them?? They have roots!!! All the hard work you do and a day later there it is again, worming its way into your beautiful flowerbed. so, how do you get rid of roots? and what are the roots? If we go back to weeding the actual garden, er need something to dig with... like tools. We need to dig deep, find the root and get rid of it. Here is one of the tools that I found to help me get rid of thoughts that I don't want to have... It is a CD called building a Mind of Steel. It helped me a lot, and I am more peaceful and more happy...and I was thinking about the roots. The thoughts that we automatically have like grass are the harder to pull out the longer they have been there, the longer we ALLOWED them to be there, the more we BELIEVED them. You know what I am talking about,  how if an accidental weed grows on a new flowerbed you pull it out easily, but go try pulling out the grass that has been there for years and every blade is connected to 100 more and is holding on to the ground with deep established roots. so digging deep. When you start taking out thoughts, the situations come to your mind. All the evidence that the thought is valid and should stay there. I just want to remind you that YOU ARE IN CHARGE of what is growing in your mind. Go collect some new evidence!!!!

I am very passionate about it because
I have seen the thoughts incapacitate me. I , a healthy young woman would sit on the couch all day long unable to get up and do anything, even to tidy up the house, all the while thinking how worthless I was and how someone else would be better in my place as a mom and a wife than I was, all the while collecting evidence that those thoughts were valid because the house got messier, the kids shabbier, the husband more unhappy... It is not a pretty picture!!! I am SO happy that I am getting out. My house is still not in its ideal shape, but it is getting there, and most importantly, I AM HAPPY! and now I am a friend to me, a cheerleader. You should be your cheerleader too. you got out of bed today!!! THAT IS AWESOME!!!!!!
your children are alive! GOOD JOB!!! oh, you even remembered  to brush your teeth!!! SCORE!!!!!

Seriously! you are an amazing person, but if you don't see it, no one else will either, and then your so called evidence and your thoughts will eat you alive. DON'T LET THEM!